Gonk
by Vrazvir
Summary: This dark, lugubrious tale details the escapades of Anakin's father, who is portrayed as a tragic Romantic hero. Anakin, Obi-Wan, and a pair of mysterious Sith Lords also play important roles in this glorious tribute to post-modern expressionism.


Anakin's father, a sentient slice of cheese known to all who feared him as Wallace, gazed out at the stars from his fortress on planet Klavier. Klavier is a peculiar planet that binds itself to no star and floats freely throughout the shadowy corners of the galaxy. In fact, calling it a planet might be a bit of a stretch as it is actually a very large grand piano. It comes as no surprise that scholars have often described this lone star as 'super special awesome.' Then again, calling these people scholars might also be a bit of a stretch, since they are merely Popskireyno addicts, which are the only kind of people who believe that a piano of such incomprehensibly-vast girth could exist. Popskireyno, by the way, is a drug that shares many similarities with heroin, only it also colors the user's chest hair a vibrant shade of mauve. Wallace himself had experimented with many drugs in his youth, which might be the source of some of Anakin's more unique characteristics.

As his thoughts drifted to his son, Wallace suddenly turned his back to the stars, demonstrating his strange impulsive habit of spontaneously changing direction with utmost elegance. He had never had the chance to see the boy and it pained him to imagine that somewhere out there, on one of those many stars that twinkled in space like so many homicidal alarm clocks, his son could be playing badminton without him. Wallace was a champion badminton player back in the day. Perhaps some time, the father will be able to pass the ancestral shuttlecock, yes, the feathered conical projectile of destiny, on to his son with a graceful swing of his racquet, but that time was not now. No, now was the time for nefarious planning and dastardly scheming and a spot of Earl Grey tea. Taking a moment to adjust his monocle, a shining beacon of his innate sophistication, Wallace approached the enticing whistle of the tea kettle.

Meanwhile, in an uncharted subdivision of the galaxy, a ship crept through space with the stealth of a thousand radioactive, one-legged ninjas. This ship housed two Sith Lords so frightfully incompetent that they were shunned by the Force and also even the Schwartz. They appeared to be engaged in a fearsome duel.

"I shall defeat you, Darth Luminous!" The taller one's low voice echoed throughout the ship.

"_Whatever_, Darth Hilarious!"

"Wait, hold it." The fearful being called Hilarious lowered his light saber and spoke in a more audible tone. "First of all, '_whatever_' is hardly a Sith-like thing to say and, second, where the hell is your lightsaber? You're holding a tennis racquet."

"Actually," began the one of shorter stature, "it's a badminton racquet. Remember we bought some that one time we were high on Popskireyno and then never used them? I thought we should actually try them out. The Intergalactic Badminton Championship is coming up and it might be fun to..."

"We don't have time for that. We're trying to locate Anakin's father before he is able to set his horrific plan into motion. Did you forget that _already_?"

"Since when are we doing that? You need to tell me these things beforehand so I can prepare." Darth Luminous tried to raise one eyebrow sarcastically at his Master, but failed miserably in this attempt at advanced facial athletics.

"I told you three ti- oh never mind," said Hilarious with overflowing exasperation. "I suppose a little badminton might be fun. Do you know where a good court is?"

"Wait, why are we going to court? Did you get a speeding ticket? Anyway, the Intergalactic Badminton Championship is held on Coruscant. Let's head over there right now."

As this ship cycloned ominously towards Courscant, two of its unsuspecting denizens completely didn't expect any of what was about to happen in the near future.

"The piano _moves_, it moves like an amoeba with a rogue nucleus!" a wild-eyed man clutched the end of Anakin Skywalker's cloak as he exited the bar.

The seventeen-year-old Padawan turned his back to the man momentarily before spinning back around and almost tripping. He hadn't quite mastered the grace of the habit like his father had, but he was working on it. "What do you mean?"

"The piano-"

"Oh, don't pay any attention to him," Obi-Wan Kenobi interrupted and led Anakin away before he could hear what the strange man was going to say. "That's just a Popskireyno addict. They're always ranting on about the most ridiculous things."

"Popskireyno?"

"It's a drug. The pills are shaped like little vegetables and they start singing about verb conjugations if you leave them out of the bottle too long. They also turn your chest hair a vibrant shade of mauve. It's best to avoid."

"Where did you learn so much about it?"

"Well er..." Obi-Wan coughed awkwardly. "Ah look, is that an advertisement for the Intergalactic Badminton Championship over there? That sounds fascinating, Anakin. Let's go purchase tickets!"

Anakin skillfully raised one eyebrow at Obi-Wan before following the other Jedi to where the sacred IBC tickets were being distributed.


End file.
